This is me!

Chinese whispers

2009-03-30T22:58:00.002+01:00

I havent written here for a while and I'm itching to get writing again...

There may be the odd post or two on here but also please check out my new blog, 'Chinese Whispers' which is about my latest project.

http://charitychinesewhispers.blogspot.com/

Thanks!

Stagefright

2008-03-02T21:24:00.003Z

Cant rewrite whats been written;
Can twist and contort but the start points always the same
Can walk the boards a different way each time, a variation on a theme, making a different point each time
Always dragging those chains behind you,
Maybe they change to glitter or gold but still there all the same,
You can hack away with saws, pick at the locks, change like a chameleon, but they change too
Proving a point, laughing at the jailer, but the joke's on you
Still you shout louder each time, looking for escape, which role should you play today?
Each part you take is bolder than before, but never quite enough to take the starring role
More and more glamour, sophistication, adoration
Surrounded by voices but its all just noise, the director has gone, the conductor too, fluffing the lines, making the wrong moves
The scenes change seemlessly to the audience, the differences go unnoticed
They wait for the finale, the twist to surprise and amaze, there's anticipation on both stage and floor, will it ever be enough?

Proposal

2008-02-03T21:57:00.000Z

As he walked into the room she looked up and smiled. He flashed back a sexy grin and slid down beside her. His lips were quickly on hers, warm and gentle with an air of relaxed familiarity. He slid his arms round her waist and pulled her closer, kissing more passionately. She snuggled into him, pleased by the warmth and tenderness in his touch. At last they pulled apart and looked deep into each others eyes, deep into each others souls. Neither one could describe what they saw, but they knew that it would define the rest of their lives. This moment would stay with them forever, shaping their lives, changing every decision, moulding their very thought patterns.
With the utterance of just one question a new chapter had begun. The response was given without any words, a simple kiss and sultry smile. Her eyes sparkled with the enthusiasm of a child. It was only the beginning....

Affirmation

2008-01-28T20:14:00.000Z

I need an affirmation. Some simple but powerful phrase that instills confidence and creates moments of yogic type calm. Something that brings home the real meaning of life, that there is something much bigger and more important out there than little old me and the 9-5 rat race.

Any suggestions anyone?!!!!

I think I'm going to hit a certain age and turn into a hippy! Whats the need for all the stress in life? If I'm not careful all I'll do with life is spend it working my ass off to pay the bills, missing out on the more important things like family, friends and charity to others and then regret it on my deathbed. I'll disappear into nothingness - just another number.

Stepping up to the challenge...

2008-01-08T22:10:00.000Z

... Cue loud humming of the Rocky theme tune....
VIP is going well. Tonight spent 2 hours convincing myself I was fantastic GI Jane type person while doing punching, kicking, press ups and squats army style! The fact that I was near exhaustion by the end is irrelevant - I turned up, tried and went home in one piece! Tomorrow will be the true indicator of survival though, me thinks. Am slightly worried that this was perhaps a little too enthusiastic and way too close to my 5k run on saturday. Hmmm, muscle ache and a 5k run dont sound like a great combination. Did however, follow mad army session with gentle, stretching pilates class so hopefully muscles will be ok by the morning. All in all a satisfying evening - and if I survive said 5k run may even go back for some more army fun!

Lets start at the very beginning...

2008-01-02T21:48:00.000Z

Made a VIP (very important promise) yesterday. And in line with said VIP had to drag my lovely self out of bed at the ungodly hour of 5pm this morning to run round the block in the freezing cold. Wondered what posesses those scary runner types to do this every day as I lolopped in the dark. At least I didnt need to worry about what I looked like with my fluorescent pink jacket, white bobble hat and trendy, but non matching, pink fingerless gloves, recently acquired via a talented friend. As if this wasnt torture enough, I got home breathless, sweaty and tired only to realise I still had an entire day at work to survive! Must find a job with nicer hours - preferably one's that are very short. Or non existant in fact. Someone to pay me to stay at home, perhaps? No seriously, it should be a human right to be able to sleep until it gets light like God intended.
Anyway, had fairly calm morning at work only to have it disturbed by stress inducing arrival of THE BOSS. How rude. Mental note - add self employed role to list of next job criteria! Spent the remainder of the afternoon creating fantastic revenge plan before politely saying good evening and dashing home to lament on the sofa to other half about how hideous the world is.
Intended to continue with VIP and do some form of major calorie burning exercise but decided to update CV instead and then depressed myself with distinct lack of suitable jobs in the market. Also noted that recruitment companies are missing several tricks - should be open outside of work hours so that THE BOSS will not notice you are looking elsewhere, should only contact candidates via text message or email for same reasons, and should always state for each role working hours, lunch breaks and policy on employing parents of small children.
Hmmph! Am now thoroughly fed up but determined to be positive and motivated and completely turn my life around in the next 12 months!!! Here's to 2008!!!! All change please!!!

New beginnings

2007-12-19T22:11:00.000Z

I love new starts. Wiping the slate clean and starting again. A blank canvas or lump of clay ready to be created and moulded into whatever you want. Thats why January is my favourite time of year. I can put the last year into perspective, learn from mistakes, hold on to happy memories and make plans for the future.
So, I've been reading various books on positive thinking, philosophy, the meaning of life etc - some might call it psychobabble but its the sort of thing I love. It seems I need to discover what I'm truly about and what I want to achieve before I can even begin to achieve it. The important thing is to always work from correct principles - these are unchanging and give stability when everything else changes around you.
To discover yourself you should spend quality time away from distractions to meditate, think and discover what really is important. Begin with the end in mind - the end ultimately in life, is death. What do I want to have achieved and what do I want to be known for when I die?
I'm actually finding it quite difficult to write - lots of the things I think of seem to conflict with each other. I think I need more time to concentrate without distractions! But I do think its important that everyone takes time out to think about what they really want and whats important every now and then. We all tend to get wrapped up in day to day that sometimes isnt that important.
So there's my suggestion to everyone for this new year - take some time out to think about what your priorities are in life. What you want to be, who you want to be with, who is important to you, how you should spend your time, and how you should behave.

Tis the season to be...

2007-12-11T22:39:00.000Z

...Jolly?

A thought struck me today. It cannot be pure coincidence that Christmas happens to occur just in time to rescue us all from the depths of winter depression. Just as everyone is becoming thoroughly fed up of the dark mornings and nights we all start decking the place out with twinkly lights, tinsel and glitter to cheer ourselves up. How can anyone resist the pull of merry christmas carols and mulled wine? Just in time to drag ourselves through to January when the days start getting longer and lighter again.
Hurray for Christmas!!
Merry Christmas everyone, smile at the twinkly lights and think back to all those happy memories over the last year, savour them and store them for when those dark nights get you down, listen to the cheery christmas songs and think of how much better off you are than so many other people in the world, drink and eat those festive treats and forget about the calories. Look at what you have achieved. Then spread a little Christmas cheer - send a card, write a letter, make a phone call. Tell your nearest and dearest how important they are. Love and be loved.
:-)

Thought for the day

2007-12-06T20:23:00.000Z

Here's a quote that I found recently;
"An idea or thought alone may excite the rational, conscious mind, but the subconscious likes things to be 'emotionalized'. When a thought becomes a feeling, and imagination becomes desire, it will deliver what you want with speed and abundance."
I love the idea that if you want something enough, and truly see it and feel it, it will become reality. I think I'm going to try it out.... positive thinking will be my new strategy. Apparently I need a mantra - it must be positive and in the present tense....hmmm, I'll have to think about that one. Any suggestions?

If looks could kill...

2007-12-03T22:27:00.000Z

I've never really been a fan of peer pressure. Even when I was a child I didnt think it was a particularly great excuse for behaving badly or for doing things that were downright stupid. (And no, that doesnt mean I was a boring child - I just used better excuses!) But anyway, now that I am allegedly an adult I find myself feeling more and more pressured by what society expects of me. By what is expected of me I mean as a woman, as a parent, as a wife, and as an employee. But more than anything I feel pressured about the way I should look. There are so many contradictions in todays media, the nation is becoming overweight, but we also have an obsession with being skinny, what one person reports as a beautiful figure another can report as under/over weight. There is no middle ground anymore and certainly not many decent role models to show the way. But it worries me that if I can start to doubt myself as a supposed adult, what effect must this be having on young, impressionable children? I read an article the other day that stated that girls as young as six dislike parts of their body enough to want to do something radical like starve themselves. What sort of a statement is that about our nation? Its certainly a horrifying read for me. But we have only oursleves to blame for this 'looks obsessed' world. We are bringing up our children to believe that they need to look perfect to be of any worth. This simply isnt true and we should be looking at our own insecurities and behaviours first and foremost to try and change this.

Why do I do this every day?

2007-11-29T21:41:00.000Z

If you've ever driven down the M40 towards London you may have seen a large fence splattered in graffiti, with the phrase, 'Why do I do this every day?' in big white letters. I think it is a very appropriate question to ask. Something I keep asking myself on a regular basis!
Thank you to whoever painted it, it is an icon. :-)

Message in a bottle...

2007-11-28T23:07:00.000Z

Message 1: You dont know how you make me feel. The influence that you have, the weight of each word that falls from your lips. Each one uttered could be the cause of ecstasy or excruciating pain. You dont seem to care how you choose those words, or even understand the importance of them. They're forgotten almost as soon as they are spoken, frivolous and rude. But unintentional. How would you feel if you knew?

Message 2: You dont know how you make me feel. The pain you cause with callous words. They pierce through my deepest darkest thoughts. You expect me to be thick skinned, to be confident, aloof and unaffected. You dont know me. It would never cross your mind that you may have hurt me. Your own life is more important to you. But no man is an island. Think carefully when you speak, you may not be prepared for what you have caused. How would you feel if you knew?

Message 3: You dont know how you make me feel. You cause pleasure and pain in equal quantities, without words and without actions. Your influence is unknown to you and unimportant. I'm nothing and noone. I was somebody once. Is it too late now? How would you feel if you knew?

Message 4: You dont know how you make me feel. Like flying, like the most amazing thing in the world. My confidence soars and I can do anything I want to. The world is our oyster. I smile inside and hold my head high, proud of who I am and what I have achieved. I mean something to you and I'm important. I want to shout from the top of a mountain and show everyone what makes me so happy. How would you feel if you knew?

Emotional Therapy

2007-11-28T22:36:00.000Z

Today I finally have some time to myself to sit, think, contemplate, explore and generally be completely selfish. So I wanted to write something proper today. Something worthwhile and meaningful. But I realised that the whole idea of this blog has backfired somewhat. The idea was that this was my therapy, my place to write exactly what I wanted to, to vent my frustrations and 'empty my bucket'. The problem is that there isnt anywhere you can truly write what you feel without someone reading it that it wasn't intended for, or someone being upset. If I wrote exactly what I felt, needed and wanted to say there would be chaos amongst everyone I know!!!
It frustrates me that we create these social taboos because I think the world would be a far better place if everyone was honest and told things the way they truly are! I believe in blatant, painful and piercing honesty but unfortunately other people dont. It may sound naive but why do we want to create such complicated lives? It is of course a completely selfish view of the world as it would cause so much destruction.
A pivotal point in my life was when discussing this with a writer friend of mine a few years ago. We agreed that the best novel you could ever write would be one that included the honest truth of peoples lives, their opinions, their likes, dislikes, the good, the bad and the ugly. Something raw and uncomfortable. Everyone has skeletons in the cupboard at some level and everyone loves to be nosey about other people. But if anyone ever wrote that kind of book they would destroy families, reputations and feelings. Obviously that wouldnt be a good thing, but wouldnt life be easier if you didnt have to try and pretend to be what you're not?

The Dress Diary Part IV

2007-11-28T01:01:00.000Z

It was in the end, a success I think. Although the photographic evidence is yet to appear. Several people commented on my dress and asked about where it came from - at least it was noticed!
The event itself was enjoyable if a little tiring, especially when the majority of the day was spent chasing after several toddlers who insisted on leaving chocolatey fingerprints on said dress as they nagged to be taken to the toilet - again! Because of this, the dress is looking a little sorry for itself now, but a trip to the dry cleaners should return it to its former glory.
I think, when all said and done it was money well spent, even if the only thing it achieved was a day when I didnt worry about whether my outfit was good enough! It was perhaps more so about buying confidence than it was about buying an expensive dress. So for this reason I consider it, Mission Achieved!

Winter Blues

2007-11-26T23:09:00.000Z

Today I feel truly uninspired. Its winter, the days are short, and the nights are long. I get up when its dark and I leave work when its dark. Thoroughly depressing.
I think we should adhere to our primal callings and sleep when its dark and work when its light. No wonder so many people get depressed at this time of year - we are all trying to fight our natural biorhythms.
But still, there is hope and there is Christmas to look forward to. A time for peace, love and goodwill to all men. Twinkly lights, warm fires, mulled wine, christmas carols and hearty food.
I am a romantic at heart, and would love nothing more than spending my winter days walking through fields wrapped up in layers of woollen jumpers, hats and scarves, and returning home to a log fire, curling up on the sofa with a hot chocolate, a good book and some tinkly festive music in the background. Thats what winter should be.
This time of year is one of reflection for me. I start to look back on what I have achieved and forward to what I should do next. This year I have done a lot, and feel that I have matured emotionally and grown in confidence. But there is much more to do!
I am in search of a new career, that fulfils more of my needs than just paying the bills. Something satisfying, challenging, thats fits in with family life and brings a sense of achievement. Something that doesnt involve sitting at a desk all day, where you can get outside with the elements, or socialise with the community. I think this job does not exist! But if anyone has any suggestions, please do make them!
I think this is one of my most important goals for next year.

The Dress Diary Part III

2007-11-22T21:25:00.000Z

Well, there probably should have been more diary entries than this, but looking good seems to occupy an awful lot of time so I really havent got round to writing about it!!
Its just 2 sleeps to THE day. If it hasnt been done by now its not worth doing. Tomorrow I'm going to concentrate on eating as little as healthily possible, and may even consider some sort of radical homemade shrink wrapping if I get desperate! Actually no, I wont have the time! But a couple of extra inches round the middle would be handy..... did I buy lots of cling film recently??! Hmmm.
But anyway, the transformation has already begun, starting with the hair, then nails and tomorrow a full body treatment! Then on the day, make-up, magic knickers and woohoo! I'm there!
Hopefully the result will be fantastic and certainly worth the time, money and effort. If not, you'll find me at the bar making very good friends with Mr Baileys and Mr Daniels!!
But all that will be in the next instalment....

Creativity

2007-11-15T18:49:00.000Z

Today I had a great idea for a novel, so I thought I'd write this......

Roxy is a successful city slicker, who works in fashion and is married to an even more successful city tycoon. They are the epitome of cool and appear to have it all. But underneath the well manicured surface, safely behind closed doors, there is much more to their relationship than they are prepared to share with the high society circles they move in. Unbeknown to even their closest family and friends it is a marriage of convenience. Love isnt important, but being successful is. In a bid to outshine each other a dangerous game begins, betrayal and deception aplenty but who will come out on top? And what will happen when the world discovers the truth about them?

The Dress Diary Part II

2007-11-11T20:50:00.000Z

They carefully wrapped up my dress in lovely scented tissue paper and one of those huge, trendy carry bags that have the logo splashed across so large that the entire shopping centre can see how much money I've just spent. I swing it as I walk around, confident and smug that I'm the new owner of such an amazing item of clothing.
I get it home and carefully unwrap it, keeping the trendy bag should it ever need transporting anywhere. I hang it in pride of place on the front of my wardrobe. This is my goal, my challenge for the next 3 weeks.
Project Look Fantastic is under way!

The Dress Diary Part I

2007-11-08T23:05:00.000Z

So there's this dress, I spot it in the window, shiny and expensive. I dash into the shop and find it on the rack, pick out the size and practically dance to the cubicle to try it on while the assistant merrily chases after me with £ signs springing up in her eyes. I dont even bother to check the label but should have realised the price range from the name above the door.
I tear off my jeans and top eager to get the dress on but then oh so carefully remove the hanger and unzip it, gently sliding it over my head so as not to cause any damage. I struggle to negotiate the zip by myself and sheepishly ask the assistant for a hand. She obliges and I straighten up, making the final adjustments before I dare glance in the mirror. The assistant smiles, 'it looks really lovely'. I twirl about in the mirror wishing I hadnt decided to stop for lunch that day, but still pleased with the reflection. With a little bit of work this could look fantastic I think to myself. But what about the price tag? Hmm, triple figures, this is going to hurt the bank balance. I'll take it!!!

So...

2007-11-05T22:02:00.000Z

Its getting quite difficult to keep writing on here, life gets more and more manic by the minute. I scribble away in a notepad most days whenever I think of something but it never quite gets to a fully fledged post. The novel I promised is kind of evolving in the same way, its currently a series of scribbled random paragraphs in a notebook that one day I will get around to writing out fully. But it does strike me that this is perhaps more for my own benefit than anybody elses. I feel a pantomime moment coming on... do you want to read it??! Are you sure you want to read it?! I cant hear you!!! Shall I ask you again? Do you want to read it?!! etc etc!!!
Anyway, I shall write nevertheless, it is my goal to write this novel and maybe one day it will be published...hmm, perhaps on second thoughts that wouldnt be such a great idea, might upset a few people. Hmmm, friends and family or lots of money for a bestseller?!! Now there's a question of morality if ever I heard one!! I'm sure they wouldnt mind if they cashed in too??!! If its good enough for the celebs.....
Well, I'd better go and concentrate on the most upmost of my goals at the moment and do some exercise - damn it i'll look good in that dress if it kills me!!! Hmm, there could be another book in there somewhere...Diary of a Tommy Hilfiger dress?? The Yellow Dress diaries?? Who knows?!!!

The Kitten

2007-10-29T21:13:00.000Z

One day a kitten followed me home. It looked so harmless and cute that I let it stay, but only just until I found out who it belonged to. Then it would go back to its rightful owner. So it kept me company for a while, and I kept it amused. Eventually I forgot that it belonged somewhere else. But then it grew, and it changed, and it wasnt a kitten anymore. It ran away, disappeared - presumably it had found another home. It didnt need me anymore.

Tradition

2007-10-28T20:50:00.000Z

Not had time to write for a few days - busy, busy, busy!

Ah, its that time of year again, when the commercial gurus of our time dictate that you will be confused by the bizarre mix of seasonal items on sale, never quite knowing if you should be buying for Halloween, Guy Fawkes or Christmas. Or perhaps all three at the same time! It all just merges into a hideous blur of tacky lights and mass produced plastic. But I do like a good tradition and anything that is a good excuse for a gathering. I long for memories that arent mine, a wistful kind of daydreaming back to victoriano traditions. Pumpkins and sing songs round the fire, presents tied with brown paper and string. If only I could achieve it, but there is too much that is modern that would destroy the essence of those memories. Who do you know that still sings round the piano at Christmas?

Some more randomness....

2007-10-24T22:11:00.000+01:00

Just some more random words.......

Hate. Fear. Calm. Compassion. Humour. Confusion. Daring. Rebellious. Trendy. Together. Certainty. Regret. Need. Childish. Reminisce. Constant. Supportive. Stability. Morality. Mature. Selfish. Artistic. Anger. Conflict. Secret. Shadow. Restricted. Caged. Tortured. Tamed. Screaming. Silent. Romantic. Dark. Playful. Drowning. Resilient. Respect. Karma. Careful. Carefree. True. Innocent. Loving. Dependant. Anguish. Disappear. Return. Determination. Waiting. Wanting. Psychological. Message. Warning. Original. Fascination. Obsession. Reluctant.

Hmm.... maybe its some sort of subliminal message... or maybe not??!!

Demons

2007-10-24T19:59:00.000+01:00

A long time ago when the world was a different place.....

This monster is outof control. Demons are at work.
The knife glistens as it draws its pretty pink patterns, a trail of triumphant red following behind it. A passionate piece of artwork being created. The blade twists round and round forming deeper and darker circles. Pleasure,power and pain all mixed into one sweeping motion. Pain cures pain. Control and timing are important to this masterpiece, meant only for the eyes of its creator. A beautiful, soothing picture.

Food glorious food?

2007-10-23T14:36:00.001+01:00

Food is a sensitive subject. Diet a tricky word. The stranger the two become the friendlier words like starvation seem. No wonder we have issues as a nation- no one seems to know where the boundaries are.

Desire...

2007-10-22T20:08:00.000+01:00

Desire... a word to describe all the things you're not supposed to say. I want. I need. I. Me. Mine. The very sound of the word makes you feel naughty and self centred. To desire is a bit more than just to want, its a selfish, all consuming need. I desire lots of things in life, perhaps thats why I'm never satisfied with what I have. As soon as I get one thing, I already desire something else, something more. Whatever I have is never good enough for long. I obsess about achieving the next thing, to the exclusion and detriment of everything else. I wish I could be happy with my lot. Even if I got everything I wanted, it probably wouldnt make me happy, as there'd still be more and more that would seem more alluring. So perhaps then, I should turn my desire to the right things, those things that are achievable. But it isnt a challenge then, its easy. Maybe there's a balance somewhere, I need to learn to want those things that are slightly out of reach rather than something on a completely different planet. I must try.

The dream continues...

2007-10-21T20:15:00.000+01:00

My goals in life are many and varied. So much so that achieving them all may well be impossible. Some of my goals are more needs than things to strive for, to be wanted and loved is probably on most people's list. To be adored and revered in all aspects of life is probably stretching it a little - but it would be nice.
In family life, to be a wonderful wife and mother, adored and respected. A lifelong friend. A domestic goddess, culinary expert and DIY diva. To hold down a successful career, acquire many academic awards and still cook, clean and help with homework. To always be there when I'm needed.
In work life, to achieve success and respect in a worthy career, something that gives a sense of satisfaction and makes a real contribution to the world. To be the best in my field, cultured, well travelled and yet down to earth. To enjoy and be passionate about what I do.
My home should be large enough to show success and yet small enough to show appreciation of the hard work it takes to get there. To enable massive family gatherings for christmas dinners, birthday parties or just chill outs with friends. To have family photo's of happy times dotted around, landscapes of far off places visited, paintings and sculptures giving hints of style and culture. To be my calm in any storm.
To have a social life to rival any star. To attend parties and galas and balls in stunning outfits. To have true friends who know how to have fun and how to support you in hard times. People who understand you and whom I understand just as well.
On a personal note, to be healthy - not too thin or too fat. To be athletic, and have enough energy and motivation to achieve all that I want. To be emotionally intelligent enough to know when to laugh, when to cry, when to be confident, when to be modest, when to be kind, when to be harsh, when to be wary, when to trust and when to love. To be stylish but not slavish to fashion, to be pretty but not over the top. To put in just enough effort to make it look effortless. To be in control but not a control freak.
To have just the right amount of everything.

Conspiracy

2007-10-18T22:32:00.000+01:00

Its strange that now I have the time and space to think and get my thoughts in order that suddenly the jumble that was there has gone. Blank. Its not that there has been any great enlightenment or resolution but that they have just disappeared. Everything seemingly has returned to normal and yet I know it hasnt. Almost as if someone has erased those memories in some plot to trick me into believing something else. But I know that it is wrong, that there is something missing. I must try and remember.

Mortality

2007-10-15T22:17:00.000+01:00

Every once in a while it occurs to me that this life isnt forever. That one day it will all be over and my time will be done. So what will be my legacy? How will I be remembered?
I think about the life that I lead, the worries that I have and put them into context with the limited amount of time that I have. They are largely irrelevant when looked at on such a grand scale.
It worries me more that perhaps the contribution that I am making is not worthy of the time that I have. There is a constant sense of foreboding and yet the world is becoming numb to the feeling. The frailty of life is frightening.
All around us every day we are hounded by stories of death, disaster and destruction. I am spurred on to find some way of making my mark. There must be some purpose to this life.

The Race

2007-10-15T19:47:00.000+01:00

At first it was strange and uncomfortable. I wasn't used to so much hard work and I needed lots of praise to keep me interested. I needed constant attention to motivate me to carry on. I had no passion for it. But I started to see some results, it made me happy. I felt great. I grew more confident each time I tried. And eventually I got to that special place -the point of no return. I'd put in the work and I'd realised it was fun. I wanted to carry on - needed to carry on, it was addictive. Now I didn't need pushing, I was doing the running all by myself. Chasing the finish line instead of being pushed to it. Hungry for success.

Back in the fighting ring..

2007-10-14T20:47:00.000+01:00

Well I'm back! Having some technical difficulties though so wont be posting properly for a couple of days. Have got lots of stuff to type up though!
Stay tuned!

Farewell for 1 week only...

2007-10-06T19:52:00.000+01:00

I'm going to run 10k tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it. I'd like to say I've put in months of hard work and I'm going to be amazing but somehow that wouldnt quite be true! I think I'll do ok though. I'm certainly fitter than I was a few months ago!
After that I'm going on holiday so I will be internetless for a week. Should do me some good I suppose. Cant wait for a week of relaxation. There'll be plenty of stuff put on here when I come back though - I'll just be using good old paper and pen for a week! Its going to be my therapy.
I'll update you when I'm back! So goodbye for a week, I'll miss you! Ou revoir! xxx

Rant 2

2007-10-06T00:30:00.000+01:00

Another serious rant is in order today....

Who the hell do people think they are, constantly commenting on what I eat, how much I eat and when I eat?!
For a start its nothing to do with anyone else, but doesn't it ever cross their tiny little minds how their comments might affect someone?! Don't they realise thats how people get ill?!
One day I'll just stop eating. I'll get anorexia and end up in hospital. Then everyone will ask, 'How did this happen?' Maybe they should ask themselves. I don't suppose even then they'd leave me alone.

Rant

2007-10-04T20:43:00.000+01:00

My head still hurts.
I think I'm having an early midlife crisis. I want to go and do something really exciting. Just up sticks and go and DO something! I really want to trek the Great Wall of China. It would be so much fun. Perhaps that bump to my head killed a few too many braincells?!
I feel really frustrated, like I need to go and do something else, maybe go and find myself?!!!
I'm not sure where I got lost.... must have been a long time ago if I cant remember now?!!
So anyway, lots of random things have been happening that I feel I should rant about so here goes......

Men - what the hell do they think they are doing?! What gives some random bloke the God given right to talk to me like I'm some floozy when he's never even met me?!!!!! Why do men keep making such totally random, inappropriate, unprofessional and unasked for comments?! Why me?!!!
I'm getting seriously paranoid now. I think there's some sort of weird plot going on to try and freak me out! Will all the randomness please stop?!

Kids - why do they say the things they do? Little man has had some interesting things to say this week, but the most outrageous one so far is that he has told the entirety of his nursery that, 'Mummy has a baby in her tummy'!!!!! This is NOT true! Where the hell did he get that from?!!! The embarassment of being asked by someone if that particular rumour was true was very painful. But aside from that... why on earth would he say that?! I could go deeper into the whole child psychology thing, is it wishful thinking? The world and his wife keeps wittering at me that its cruel for him not to have a brother or sister and that I really should be getting on with having another child by now - perhaps he's caught onto it too? Well, it wont work. I will not be persuaded into another nine months of discomfort and fatness by a 3 yr old child. Or anybody else for that matter. So there.

Let me out!!! - I need some serious ME time!! Get me to my holiday, NOW!!!!

Phew! Rant over. I can breathe now.

Challenge update

2007-10-03T23:05:00.000+01:00

So... my plan is to start writing my.... shall I say novel? next week. I'm hoping some relaxation time will help me get a good start. I need to empty my head onto the pages, perhaps it can be my therapy? It can be my way of clearing my head and making sense of things. I'm looking forward to doing that.
Keep watching!

Mind your head!

2007-10-03T22:57:00.000+01:00

Today I had a blow to the head - it was really painful. I felt really shook up and out of sorts all day. It still hurts. I think its going to take a while to get better. But I'm sure it will eventually.

A challenge

2007-10-02T22:19:00.001+01:00

Someone once challenged me that in order to prove an authors worth they must write something more lengthy and interesting.
The most interesting thing any person could ever write is the truth. So I'm taking up the challenge.... it may take a while, it might be uncomfortable, but the journey will definitely be worthwhile.
Watch this space!

Conflict

2007-10-02T21:49:00.000+01:00

I have a split personality. Except it is difficult to tell where one personality starts and the other ends. So it is just a muddle of conflicting thoughts and feelings. The inner turmoil is painful. Someone, somewhere inside my head makes a decision, someone else disagrees. They argue. There is no resolution, no referee. I cannot even explain it because my personalities disagree on which version of events are being discussed and which decisions need to be made. It is strange and unnerving to not be in control of your own thoughts, indeed to not even know what you actually think. This makes honest opinions tricky. If I dont know my own true opinion how can I give it to anyone else??
The confusion deepens the older I get, the more complicated my life is. Responsibility is not helpful to a confused person, it makes life much more stressful. With responsibility comes important decision making, but I am indecisive to the worst degree. I dont like to agree or disagree in case it is the wrong decision, so I sit on the fence. But even on the fence it is dangerous, you can fall off and end up with no choice as to which side you fall down on.
I write and speak in riddles to avoid saying anything firm and meaningful. Comments must be as vague as possible in order to turn around my opinion or intended meaning at any time when necessary. I must cover all options at all times.
Sometimes I feel like a spectator in my own life, watching the battle of wills unfold with no bias to either side.
My memory is also affected. I cant recall things like I used to, and I remember things as I want to rather than how they were. Or at least I think I do. There are painful things I try to block out and other things I try to desperately hold onto but in the confusion it all goes blank. In fact there are many times when the words just dont come at all. There are so many words that they blend into a string of nonsensical letters.
I am in fact insane, a sandwich short of a picnic, a fruit loop, a nutball. The plot is officially lost.
So who was writing this anyway?!!!!

Is there anybody out there?

2007-10-02T21:39:00.000+01:00

I'm not convinced that anyone is actually reading this.... if they are it probably doesn't make any sense. If you are reading this... let me know what you think?

More kittens

2007-10-01T18:43:00.000+01:00

Shall I wait for a miracle or shall I make a plan? Do I leave it to fate or create my own?
I need some time to concentrate, to think properly and make decisions. At the moment I dont have time to reflect. I want to write something meaningful and clever but my mind doesnt have enough time to get the jumble of thoughts out. I want to say so much but dont know the right words. If I try to write now then I'll use the wrong words and give the wrong messages.
Those kittens are playing again!

A letter

2007-09-30T21:06:00.000+01:00

To the person that watches over me......

You see and hear everything but take part in nothing. You claim to guide and nurture but where are you when the real decisions need to be made? If you can hear my thoughts then why dont you answer them?
You should be with me all the time, but I still feel lonely. You should be guiding me but I still feel lost. I'm tricked into thinking that the view will clear any moment but the darkness never quite lifts. Everything is always just out of reach. I walk the path that I believe is right but still manage to take wrong turns. Where is the map that I need, that will lead me to the treasure I deserve? Like a treasure hunt with clues to lead you there, but someone changed them all along the way to deliberately confuse its followers.
How do you know when a fatal mistake has been made if the clues aren't correct in the first place? If the information you have is flawed how can you correct the wrongs, or trace back to the truth? You can try to go back and remember which route got you here, but the trail is complicated and you can end up being further away than you wanted to be, distracted by the detail.
Perhaps one day I will understand you. But for now you confuse and frustrate. To deliberately mislead is cruel, when you should be kind. Some people say we need bad to appreciate good, but why do some get more of one than the other? Is it that bad things happen to good people to make them appreciate more? So why do good things happen to bad people? Surely you just reward the wrong behaviour?
How do I know where to go next, which turn to take, which ones to ignore? If I just keep going will I get to the right place?
I think I'm on my own now, so I need to figure it out by myself. I dont think I can rely on anybody else for help and you will not interfere. I must learn to have my own judgement and then trust it. Its all about the survival of the fittest.
Or is it all about playing the game? But who's playing who?
Its your game and your rules but maybe one day I'll beat the odds and win.

Determination to succeed...

2007-09-29T20:31:00.000+01:00

Today it is difficult to write, but I am determined to write something.
I am sitting watching little man play in the lounge, whilst humming to himself, engrossed in his own little world. I wish I could be a child again with no responsibilities. It makes me smile to see him so happy. I hope he's always this happy.
We dont spend enough time together anymore. Family time is important. I will make sure we have more family time from now on. He's growing up fast and I dont want to regret not making the most of his childhood.
Soon we're going on holiday together, just the three of us. It will be a good chance for us all to have quality time together. I'm really looking forward to it. Running away from the usual hectic life for one week only. We'll do lots of exercise together, walking, swimming, cycling. We'll be healthy and eat proper meals as a family. We'll shut out the rest of the world for a week and concentrate on just us. Just being together.
Between now and then is going to be difficult. I still have to work, little man still has to go to nursery, housework still needs to be done. There still wont be enough time to do everything that needs to be done and it will be stressful. But I will grin and bear it, and I will look forward to my holiday and think of better things to get me through until then.
Hopefully I will have lots of time to relax, to reflect and to plan for the future. Life is stressful at the moment and I think a week of relaxation will do wonders for the mess thats in my mind.

A compromise

2007-09-27T00:06:00.000+01:00

I used to wish that I could grow up faster. Today I wish that things could be different. Tomorrow I will wish things could be like they used to be. Some people are just never satisfied with what they have!
Its natural to want more, to want to improve, to want to progress and achieve and impress. Wanting is natural, but we must be grateful for what we have.
So when the rational thoughts in your head are that you should be appreciating what you have, why is there still somewhere in your head that asks for more? It gnaws away at you, nagging you, frustrating you. You try to dissuade the 'bad conscience' with thoughts of, 'I'm lucky', 'there are those less fortunate' but your conscience questions you with, 'why not?' or 'what if?'
Patience and willpower are the skills required.... but not the easiest to acquire. So we must strike a balance, give and take. I like this idea of compromise, today I will eat chocolate - tomorrow I will exercise! Perfect! But when the real compromise is always put off until tomorrow, where does it end?!

Randomness at its best

2007-09-25T22:43:00.000+01:00

From my last post it is clear that the words that I say here will never do any justice to what it is that I am trying to describe. So today I will just say.....
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

And some more random words..........

Frustration. Anger. Annoyance. Tired. Confused. Happy. Depressed. Excited. Strong. Trust. Desire. Worry. Bemused. Obtuse. Bizarre. Random. Honesty. Funny. Youth. Beauty. Confidence. Worth. Loathing. Jealousy. Justice. Stupid. Addiction. Withdrawn. Overpowering. Cheeky. Cheap. Rich. Solitary. Freedom. Fighting. Surprise. Neglected. Daring. Adventurous. Cheery. Focused. Motivated. Moved. Religion. Obsessed.

Supercalifragilisticexpealidocious!!!!!!!!!!!!

Work that out!

Words

2007-09-24T23:10:00.001+01:00

I've begun to describe so many things and then scrubbed them away for not being quite right, not really making sense or just maybe giving too much away. Feelings can be so important to one person and nothing to another. A few words said to one could make them more happy than they can imagine, the same to another could ruin their world.
A single word can be interpreted in so many ways, so many misunderstandings can occur and the true meaning can only be understood by the speaker. Each and every one of us has a different perception of our reality and no matter how many words or pictures we use to describe our experiences it can never be the same for any two people.
In fact, even the speaker may get confused as to the meaning of what they are trying to say. You can get lost in the detailed vocabulary, over complicating simple emotions in an attempt to portray them correctly or maybe to hide them, or even both.
Choosing the correct words is so important and yet the listener may still misunderstand and never appreciate the ones so long deliberated over. A sentence changed and changed again until the orginal is unrecognisable and the true meaning lost.
Maybe it would be easier to say nothing, but what meaning would that give? A blank, a void, a nothingness, perhaps even that would be another ally for misinterpretation. So you cannot win, speak and be condemned, silence and be spoken for.
Vaguety would be equally dangerous as detail, humour as troublesome as seriousness, sarcasm and wit just ways to waste words. To attempt to describe true emotion would be like trying to count grains of sand. You may do well to begin with, but there will always be some grains that slip through and spoil it all.

Happy Days!

2007-09-24T22:21:00.000+01:00

I should write something happy. But I cant.

Its easy to be happy, but not to write happy.

Mind games, clever writing, thats what I like. Why say something straight out when you can confuse and unnerve someone instead?!

Why be obvious when you can be obtuse? The truth can be held against you, lies can be twisted to suit the purpose. Honesty is overrated.

It should be enough for me to know the truth inside, but sometimes its like a monster trying to escape. A monster that would wreak havoc on all that I know. It can never be set free from its prison, must wander alone in the dark tortured by its own self. The occasional screams may give away part of its story, but the whole will never be known by its captors.

Paradise

2007-09-23T20:37:00.000+01:00

A crisp chill in the air, soaring green trees scattered around, poking out of the pure white snow like candles on a cake. Clear blue skies and bright white light make it impossible to be gloomy. A sparkling emerald lake glitters in the distance below. This could be paradise - high on top of a snow capped mountain feeling literally on top of the world!
Skiing down the side of a beautiful mountain feels fantastic. The breeze in your hair, sun on your face and a stunning view all the way to the bottom. Twisting and turning as fast or as slow as you like, no pressures or stresses just the mountain and you. There's a dizzy rush from the danger of being on the edge.
Reaching the valley below, the sound of birdsong and the whispering of the breeze through the tall trees calms and soothes the mind. The emerald lake, closer now, gently rippling, glinting and sparkling in the vibrant sun. A strange sense of tranquility.
The calm is pierced by the screech of an osprey and the splash of the water as it collects its prey. The calculated swoop leaving no escape for the victim. Then they are gone again, leaving only the circular motions of the water as evidence it was ever there. Footmarks in the snow showing the silent observer, powerless to stop the attack, leaving it to mother nature to continue the karma.
The circles disappear, the water returning to stillness, and soon the interruption is forgotten. Now the sun dazzles, and the lake glistens even more beautifully than before, the snow like expensive diamonds twinkling on every surface. A place so awe inspiring, so beautiful. Feeling free and limitless, anything is possible!

Kittens

2007-09-21T23:07:00.000+01:00

After a long and stressful day, with my head pounding and eyes sore with tiredness I wish I could write something witty and clever to describe how I truly feel. But the words that I put on the page never quite convey the real emotion going through me.
There's such a jumble of ideas that I feel each time that I pull at a thread there become more and more knots and tangles until it becomes too difficult to even pick out a single one. Almost as though my mind is a ball of wool being passed between two kittens, each one pulling and tugging threads in different directions.
I try to take the ball back and reel in the threads to make some sense of it all but each time I lose concentration and the ball drops back to the floor, to the kittens, to the pulling and tugging.
If only there were enough time to stop, to send the kittens away, and slowly unpick the ball by myself. To unravel each thought in its entirety, to look at it and define it and then tidy it away.
But there isnt any time, and the kittens wont go away, they just keep scratching and jabbing at the ball, damaging more threads, making it more and more difficult to unravel the longer they play.
So I keep trying to pull it back a little at a time, fighting off each kitten, tidying each part that is rescued in the hope that one day I can regain it all, like pieces of a puzzle that will make sense once they are all back together.
Then, when one undamaged, continuous thread survives it will be quickly put away, high out of reach of the mischevious kittens, who may eye it up playfully, but they will not get hold of it again.

A short story?

2007-09-20T19:35:00.000+01:00

Writing today has been a struggle, lots of mixed up thoughts going through my head, unable to articulate any of them properly.

So instead, I'm going to tell a story........

As I sit in the quiet churchyard, bathed in dappled sunshine, I wonder how my life will pan out. Its mid afternoon on a sunny july day. The clock chimes its dulcet tones for the hour. In such peaceful surroundings its difficult to believe life isnt always this good. As I watch the shadows of the leaves dance across the stone in front of me I contemplate my future.
So far in my short life I have achieved little. I'm fairly average. I dont really know what I want in life. Happiness? Of course, but how do you achieve it?
My mind wanders back to the hum of the traffic in the distance and the sound of a gentle breeze brushing through the trees. So peaceful. If only it could be captured and reused. One moment held in time to last an eternity.
The clock chimes again, the hours are passing by. I dont even know if I believe in destiny. Even if I didnt, if it exists its going to happen anyway isnt it?
The clock keeps ticking all the while, I'm powerless to stop it. I feel like I'm on a constant train journey, with beautiful and tempting scenery rushing by just out of reach, never really knowing if my destination will be as good as all those things I've caught fleeting glimpses of. Maybe one day I'll have the courage to get off the train a few stops early and walk the rest of the way. The journey will take longer and I may get lost along the way but I'll know that at least I had the courage to do something different.....

To be continued......

Thinking Season

2007-09-19T19:29:00.000+01:00

Running in the autumn (because it is autumn now) is good for the soul.

There's a pleasant chill to the air, moody grey skies and the trees gracefully offering their leaves to the wind. It's a broody, thinking atmosphere.

The miles pass by much more easily when you're lost in your own thoughts. You can ponder and contemplate without being disturbed. You can make life changing decisions, or you can daydream about things that might never be possible. You can live a completely different life alone with your thoughts.

Personally I like to daydream, to ponder, to wonder but to never quite reach any particular decision. I like to have fuzzy, happy edges to my thoughts, to think of too much detail would spoil the floaty, daydreamy world.

In my world, everything is perfect. I should go there more often.

Cows and Pink Wellies

2007-09-18T19:55:00.000+01:00

I'd love to give up the 9-5 treadmill and 'escape to the country'.

I can think of nothing more relaxing than loafing about in my trendy pink flowered wellies (from Hawkshead of course) on a beautiful, remote farm somewhere. I'd live off the land, grow my own crops, have pigs and sheep and cows and employ several lovely farmhands to look after them! I'd get up at 5am each day and take my faithful Border Collie for a walk in the fields before feeding the animals and milking the cows. Once the morning rounds were finished I would of course return to my pristine farmhouse to do the chores and bake bread ready for a hearty lunch. Afternoons would be spent roaming the countryside, dog in tow, taking photographs or painting great landscapes. In the evening I would cook a wholesome meal for my family, where we would spend hours catching up on each others day, and discussing our hopes and dreams for the future.

But of course the rural idyll that was once everybodys average day is now more expensive and out of reach than ever. So I'll just perfect the daydream for a while before my time comes to actually achieve it. Anybody know anyone who's selling a cheap farm?!

When there's no getting over that rainbow...

2007-09-17T19:38:00.000+01:00

Some days it just feels like the world is conspiring against you. Today is one of those days.
But then something stops you in your tracks and makes you think just maybe all this craziness isnt that important.

Today I saw someone who is dying. She was smiling and chatting just like everyone else in the room and didnt look at all ill, the only give away was the headscarf she wore to cover her head where chemotherapy has cruelly taken her hair. She has uncurable cancer.

Although I dont know her, I think she's an inspiration. The trivialities of my day are nothing in comparison to the weight that she bears on her shoulders.

So today is not a bad day, today is a day to be grateful for all that we have and make sure that we appreciate it while it lasts.

Thoughts on a page...

2007-09-16T22:46:00.000+01:00

So why have a blog?

Well my first thought is that maybe it will save the world from the occasional rant or two - although i'm not promising! But secondly that its a place to keep all my randomness. It might even be interesting. Think I might have missed the cash cow for a book deal though!

Introductions

The alarm goes off at 6am usually in chorus with squeals of, 'Mummy its time to get up!Mummy I need to get dressed, I want breakfast and Daddy isn't getting out of bed!' Once said toddler is satisfied that yes both mummy and daddy are getting up and no, you're not going to starve if you dont have breakfast in the next 30 seconds and of course i'm not going to make you go anywhere in your postman pat pyjamas I struggle out of bed and consider getting ready for work. After I've finally rushed myself and little man out of the door I usually enjoy the journey to nursery and then work. Driving has become quite an enjoyable experience provided I can go at the speed I need to at the time - dawdlers at 8:15am are not my favourite people!

Work is a means to an end really, I'm very career minded, except for the part where I need to actually choose a career! I have lots of ideas of what I'd like to be but for some reason never manage to get there.

I spend eight hours daydreaming, watching the clock, having breaks... oh and working(!) until I make my way home again. Then its family time. Very important. But usually overtaken by the television, computer or something else that needs to be done like DIY! I try.

Finally I get to my favourite place in the house, my bed. And then it starts again.........

Welcome to my world!

2007-09-16T22:20:00.000+01:00

This is my blog, my space and my babble!

I'm just getting used to how this all works but hopefully it will get more interesting soon!